While such people progress through life reaping the creative, social and professional rewards borne of their inherent cosmic abilities, Mr and Mrs Average, on the other hand, are forced to bumble along being average at everything. Whether erecting a set of bookshelves in the study or toiling through It’s Easy to Play Barry Manilow, no amount of time and energy spent practicing can ever divert the ultimate result from one featuring either wonky shelves, or numerous bum notes trying to play Copacabana on the piano. However, these average people usually get by quite well by recognising their limits, and never exceeding them. Ever. All well and good, then...
... Until, perhaps, the time comes along in life when we may be forced out of our comfort zone and into the terrifying scenario that promises to plunge us totally out of our depth... Sometimes, due to circumstances beyond our control, we may have to take on certain tasks that are way beyond the limits of our abilities, and if we’re really unlucky, in front of lots of people we may know.
In the midst of a past life, where I found myself mistakenly tying the knot to a character not unlike those found in the shadowy world of Cornish folklore, I was once obliged to enter into just such a scenario. I, personally, am fully aware that I was born without the ability to effectively communicate through speech. I have a tendency to mumble, stutter, and as a result, grasp for any inappropriate phrase with which to round off my usual incomprehensible sentence. It therefore goes without saying that the resulting Groom’s speech of the time became a thing of legend, and has, as a necessity, been permanently deleted from my memory bank with the help of several counselling sessions, and a brief but effective course of electric shock therapy.
But what if, say, having attempted to consume an entire box of Blossom Hill Soft & Fruity Red (surely an endorsement deal beckons?) one attempted to dream up the not-so-perfect wedding speech for the similarly neurotic Groom prone to the faux pas?
Well, at the end of a very trying day down at the lab pickling frontal lobes, I recently rose to this precise challenge, and came up with the following results... As those who reach the end may see, the gab was not a gift this particular Groom was given...
Wedding Speech
Scene: A bustling marquee populated by numerous pot-bellied tuxedos and day-glow spouses with straightened hair. All pudgy eyes are on our Groom, who has just risen from the top table following the Father of the Bride’s speech, which went down a storm with the slightly inebriated audience. Nerves have clearly got the better of our tipsy Groom, who has somehow managed to up-end a Martini over several table decorations in the process of giddily rising from his chair. The clanking of many glasses finally subsides, as we settle into our seats for the next instalment of romance-tinged joshing...
“Er, well... (ahem) yes, good evening everybody, and, er... welcome to you all – I must say, the last time I saw this many of you all in the same room was when Larry Rose Bespoke Seconds had that closing down sale...
a general tittering amongst the audience – they’re with him...
...and it’s nice to see some of you wearing what you bought that day, too...
more guffaws now - they’re going to lap him up...
Er, seriously though, it’s really great to have everybody together for such a happy occasion; we both really appreciate the effort you’ve all made today to come and share in this free food...
more approval – obviously still sober enough to catch the subtle remarks...
Anyway, let me start this properly.... My wife and I...
the predictable riot ensues...
(refers to notes) er... would like to thank you – oh, I’ve said that bit...for coming today. Yes. Oh – Jerry! Yes, Jerry, thank you for your wonderful speech as Father of the Bride...
turns to face a beaming Jerry – so proud...
Your words were very kind and touching, and only partly lifted from that website I showed you... No – not that one, the other one...
this laughter is fuelling his confidence...
...and your lovely daughter – thank you for consenting to our marriage. She is a credit to both you and Barbara, not to mention that course of psychotherapy you put her through...
one drunken giggle and several gasps...
...I am blessed to be her husband from today, and promise to loyally stand by her till my dying day, as well as getting her to the remaining outpatient’s appointments...
a ripple of murmurs – how much has he had to drink...?
No – you can rest in peace assured, Jerry, (hic) that Rachael will be the most cherished wife under the table here tonight. I truly value your kindness and friendship Jerry, and would request that if you ever needed the closeness of a friend, you would consider me at your service - particularly if the boys from the sailing club are all away playing golf.. Your generosity to enable so many guests to attend this wonderful reception with its ample choice of desserts has been noted by many...not least, my new Sister-In-Law, seen foraging here to my right...
Oops...too far - was that a fork being dropped somewhere...? Looking at his notes, our Groom senses it might be time to move on...
So, er, thank you Jerry. Yes... Okay... (quick neck-full of wine)... now, we have our wonderful guests... you lot. As I might have said, we are so pleased so many of you have made the effort to come. Rachael and I know that things can be difficult enough for some of you when it comes to travelling beyond the bathroom, never mind making a cross-country journey to be here today. So, (hic) thank you for coming, and we hope to get round to greet those we have never even met before just as soon as we get the chance... The good wishes we have received from you all have been very welcome, not to mention the fabulous gifts... For those who sent only good wishes, bear with us while we thank those who sent gifts first...
sporadic episodes of chuckling suggest he might win them back...
Of course, there are some who couldn’t make it here today, notably actually, Rachael’s Great Uncle Bert, who I’m sure we all wish a speedy recovery from his...
to the backdrop of much inhalation of breath, our Best Man tugs at the Groom’s cufflink and whispers something pertinent in his ear...
He died...?? Oh – er, apologies there, umm, yes – we’re sure, actually, that Great Uncle Bert is smiling down on us as we speak, and perhaps raising a glass to us all from, er... heaven... (hic)
you can hear a pin drop...
So, we will be hearing from more absent guests courtesy of Best Man Nigel here in due course, when he reads out his small sack of cards for your... delectation. One card I do feel I should read out personally, actually, is this one I have here from my first wife Cheryl...
second wife Rachael suddenly looks like she’s swallowed a billiard ball...
It says, “To Martin and Rachael... Sorry I couldn’t be with you today. I hope you have a wonderful marriage. Only kidding. Love, Cheryl.” Such a great sense of humour she had, if any of you had known her...
several balls of tumbleweed drift silently past the top table…
Yeah, er, just a joke there... Anyway folks, I’d like now, if I may, to talk a little bit about my shiny new wife Rachael...
the noses of most of the guests currently seek solace in the depths of the nearest glass...
Rachael, to say you look beautiful today would be an understatement, not to mention an injustice to Chief Bridesmaid Heather, who I’m told did your make-up this morning... I’m so proud for you to have married me, Rachael – so many others would have – and did – run a mile when faced with a divorced bipolar, so, thank you. Actually, umm, perhaps this might be a good time to talk about how we met...
Best man Nigel shifts uncomfortably in his chair and shares a troubled glance with Rachael – perhaps it’s only indigestion...
Well, some of you might not know that I actually first met Rachael in the Endoscopy clinic at Frampton General Hospital... Yes, it’s true – (another slurp of wine) our eyes first met across a busy waiting room when fate co-joined our appointments – (hic) mine for a gastroscopy, and Rachael’s for that long-awaited hysteroscopy. Instantly, cupid struck... even though, if I’m honest, my functions were at the time hampered by the sedative... Still, who says romance is dead? And of course, we all know and are grateful that Rachael’s problem was eventually diagnosed just as I.B.S. and nothing more serious...
Nigel coughs audibly and flutters his crumpled speech like a trainer about to throw in the towel...
Thankfully, it seems romance isn’t dead, and having plucked up the courage to ask Rachael for her number, we soon started seeing each other... And I must say, I have only happy memories from this special time as we got to know one another, despite Rachael’s reliance in those days on a nearby toilet. And I soon realised, of course, what a special person she was – er, is... (hic)... Actually, one particular experience we shared many years ago sums up perfectly the kind of man this wonderful woman to my left is – er, was... (hic) Hold on now, let me just find it...
now he’s fumbling with his own crumpled notes trying to remember what it was he just forgot. Worse still, the nerves are gone, but now the wine’s here instead, and he’s had a lot...
Yes, here we are... Now, I don’t know if any of you know this, but Rachael once suffered from a slightly chronic eating disorder... And you wouldn’t believe it, but –
Nigel’s at the cufflink again – this time to alert our Groom to the fact that his new Mother-in-Law has just passed-out into her trifle... clearly this particular trip down memory lane has proved too much for the woman...
Oh, er - well, maybe another time for that one then... (to Jerry) Yes, good idea Jerry, check her airways... Don’t panic, it’s probably just the heat, or all the champagne she’s drunk...
Jerry, currently executing a precautionary Heimlich manoeuvre on his drooping wife, seems in no mood to accept advice from his new Son-in-Law... Rachael, on the other hand, has taken to suckling from a magnum of Moët like the newborn Bambi in order to deal with the situation...
Well, folks (hic), don’t worry, maybe she just got the bill or something... Baddum-Kisshh! Anyway, if you can all ignore the distraction, before I hand you over to my wife Nigel, I would just like to thank one or two individuals who have helped make this wonderful day posss-ible... (burp)... Oh, hold on... (to a now-conscious Barbara, evidently revived by a glass of water to the face) Ah! Hello again Barbara, feeling better? Yes... you just lie there for a bit till you feel up to moving...
A palpable air of relief circulates the marquee – Barbara’s still alive, and this is nearly over... Best Man Nigel flattens out his speech on the table in readiness for his big moment – just as soon as our clearly-plastered Groom finally shuts up...
Well, of course, thanks go to our families for all their love and support over the years... A special thank-you goes to my parents, who have managed to last all day without one of them slaying the other – thanks Mum and Dad... Just keep to opposite ends of the room and you’ll be ok... So good of them to try and unite for one day after the years of death threats... Anyway, ooh - hang on... buuurrpp... pardon me... Yes, a big thank you and well done to our lovely nieces and nephews for being such rowdy ushers and flower girls... So, one of you threw a hymnbook at the vicar...? So what? They’re glad to get anyone in church these days... Moving on, I’m sure you’ll all agree that the Bridesmaids today look absolutely beautiful (hic), particularly Chloe, after her recent... surgery... Great job girls, you’ve all done Rachael proud, and well done also to Heather for, amongst other things, having Rachael as a best friend. My Best Man Nigel... what can I say Nigel? The Stag-do was unforgettable – so glad the rash cleared up... You’ve been great today, Nige - you are a true pal... and anything he says in his speech in a minute folks, don’t forget, Nigel’s suffered from dyslexia all his life... And that brings me to... (a small Groom-fart doesn’t go unnoticed by the closer tables) ... Not last, but least, I’d like to dedicate this speech to my second wife, Rachael Wasserman... Rachael, I am the luckiest room in this man tonight to be your new wife here tonight in our... room (hic.)... My latest wife, Rachael, we are so lucky to be there tonight (belch) and would like to say thank you to my Mother Nigel, your friends and family, (hic) and our new husband, Rachael...... Yes, to you, I have only one thing to say...... Chloe, will you marry me...???”
At this point, our Groom collapses out of sight into the curtains behind the top table, as Best Man Nigel hurriedly rises from his seat and clears his throat... Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you... the Bride, and most definitely, the Groom.
Here, here...
© Matthew Jenkins July 2011
mattofjenko@yahoo.co.uk
