So, who exactly is this mysterious “Robert P. Kablonski” character that’s responsible for all this neurotic stuff?
Well, those clever people at Blogspot finally managed to locate him during a recent rare appearance on planet earth. Whilst in the process of repossessing the sum-total of everything that furnished Robert’s modest apartment, a bailiff was recently prompted by Blogspot to pose the following questions to the man he had encountered securely sellotaped to the television set...
Q: What’s your real name?
A: My real name’s Ernest Borgnine, but most people just call me Robert, for obvious reasons.
Q: Why did you start this blog?
A: I’m not quite sure. Are you taking my kettle?
Q: What do you like to do in your spare time?
A: In my spare time I enjoy reading, writing, music, films and some sports. In someone else’s spare time, I enjoy doing anything I can get away with.
Q: Do you have any hidden talents?
A: Actually, yes. I can think about the X Factor for up to 2 minutes without vomiting through my ears.
Q: What is your lifetime ambition?
A: I’ve always quite fancied roller-skating through New York’s Central Park with Julie Christie.
Q: What’s your favourite colour?
A: I’m colour-blind actually, so you choose.
Q: Who is your favourite person in the world?
A: Er, could you pass me the scissors, this sellotape is starting to chafe a little.
Q: Boxers, or briefs?
A: Excuse me?
Q: If you could have dinner with three people, dead or alive, who would they be?
A: Well, first of all God, because if he did show up, we wouldn’t have to worry about the bill. Secondly, Julie Christie just after the bath scene in Don’t Look Now. Finally, myself, just to see what I’m like.
Q: What’s your favourite holiday destination?
A: Anywhere that doesn’t have people with teeth like burnt-out fireworks trying to sell you things on the beach.
Q: What makes you laugh?
A: Subtle humour, things that are only hinted at. Also, being tickled.
Q: What makes you cry?
A: I’ve never cried, ever. Honest. Are you really taking everything?
Q: Who would you like to read your blog?
A: It would be quite impressive if a parrot read it.
Q: Can you sign and date just here at the bottom, please?
A: Er, no, not really. Actually, I’m illiterate.
We hope you enjoyed this candid glimpse behind the scenes of Robert’s shadowy existence. There may well be more fascinating insights to come, depending on the likelihood of us successfully disentangling the cassette tape of the interview from the innards of our temperamental tape recorder. In the meantime, get back to the blog and get reading... It took him ages to do all that.
