Broken News...

Taken from the London Evening Standard newspaper, June 13th, 2012

Ronaldo's Ego Escapes in Ukraine

Reports from Ukraine this evening claim that the ego of Portugese superstar Cristiano Ronaldo has escaped and is currently on the loose in the city of Lviv. The footballer had been celebrating his national team's thrilling victory over Denmark in the Euro 2012 tournament when it emerged his ego had departed his body and set off into the dead of night.

Ukranian authorities confirmed the dramatic news in a press conference held just minutes ago, according to Reuters. In a statement by Chief of National Security Yaroslav Ivanovski, the public have been warned not to approach Ronaldo's ego if encountered and to be extra vigilant if frequenting night clubs and bars.

Eyewitness accounts of the moment of escape tell of the pin-up socialising in a hotel bar with friends and team mates when a brief scuffle ensued and his sizable ego was suddenly running amok in the hotel lobby. Following several attempts to apprehend their quarry, hotel security guards were forced to alert authorities to the escape when the ego eventually left the building and boarded a bus heading to the city.

An artist's impression of Ronaldo's ego

Immediately following the escape, the physical body of the footballer was apparently observed sitting alone in the hotel lounge reading a paperback by the popular "Chick-Lit" novelist Marian Keyes. Natalia Marchenko, an employee of the hotel said, "He was suddenly a different man. First of all he tripped carrying a tray of drinks and spilt red wine down his trousers, then he declined to sign an autograph on a woman's breasts in case his mum found out about it." Another eyewitness, Isydora Lippnik claimed, "He kept getting his words mixed up and managed to talk to me for a full 10 minutes without realising he had a booger sticking out the end of his nose."

Meanwhile, fresh claims have emerged that his rampant ego has been caught attempting to steal several pots of hair gel from a leading Lviv department store. Unconfirmed reports suggest the ego eluded arrest by accusing another shopper of placing 17 pots of gel into its bag. Following much heated discussion and theatrical posturing, the ego was said to have fled empty handed.

At the time of writing Ronaldo's ego is said to still be at large in the city. Yaroslav Ivanovski has stated that "everything is being done" to apprehend the ego and reported that the National Security Service has enlisted the help of the army and "every possible source" to return the ego to its body. This is said to include Ronaldo's team manager Paulo Bento, who is "desperate" to reunite his star player's ego and body for a forthcoming group match with Holland, not to mention his wife and her missing Marian Keyes paperback.

Copyright - Matthew Jenkins, June 2012

Not Responding

There follows an excerpt from the latest edition of the computing weekly, "IT Matters?" Although yet to become a best-selling publication (or in fact published), the magazine deals with the issues most commonly confronted by people such as the author, who may have regularly been rendered hysterical by a system apparently with a mind of its own.

10 THINGS TO DO WHILST WAITING

FOR A SLOW COMPUTER

Here, in the latest in his series "10 Things to Do," Nigel St. Faversham explores the options available to those of us struggling with a slow computer. Whether due simply to a full memory, or corrupted to oblivion with countless tics and viruses from the internet, a quick run-through our Top Ten will soon restore your love affair with the laptop, or at the very least keep that stroke at bay for just a few days longer. In keeping with tradition we have listed our options in descending order, with the least effective first through to the even less effective last...

10 - Sit back in your chair and take a very deep breath

This is the most basic and commonly used coping strategy when a computer suddenly decides to take up to 3 hours carrying out the simplest of tasks. On its own it has little or no use in countering your computer's temperamental persuasions, and is best used in conjunction with one or several of the below options.

9 - Sit back in your chair, take a deep breath and curse freely

This is slightly more effective than option 10, and at least begins to portray to your computer the degree of hostility it may currently be cultivating inside your head. This tactic also hints at any potential retaliation that may occur should your system fail to start working properly imminently.

8 - Sit back in your chair taking deep breaths, cursing freely and making specific threats towards your computer

Although this option may temporarily bolster our morale in what is by now clearly becoming a long and drawn-out battle between man and micro-chip, it does in fact have little strategic use and can indeed portray us as a little strange if witnessed by any colleagues in the vicinity. If this tactic is utilised it should therefore be deployed with extreme caution.

7 - Having sat back in your chair taking deep breaths, cursing freely and making specific threats towards your computer, leap forward and start clicking randomly in frustration

Here we have an example of an operator falling at the first hurdle. It should be clear at this point that our computer will try anything to provoke us into a catastrophic error, and so we must be on guard against such lapses of mental strength. It goes without saying that this option can only hand victory to our plastic nemesis, who will subsequently cite over-clicking-confusion as its justification in freezing for at least a whole morning. Anyone utilising this option should immediately move on to Option 1 below.

6 - Having resisted the temptation to leap forward and start clicking randomly in frustration, rise from your chair and pace round the room in circles

This is an excellent tactic for several reasons. Firstly, being out of reach of your computer prohibits the pitfalls associated with Option 7 above. Secondly, leaving your workstation even for a few minutes in such circumstances has been medically proven to reduce the risk of fatal heart seizure by up to 50%. Finally, the resulting stand-off, although temporary, affords valuable time to formulate our next manoeuvre in what has become an attritional contest.

5 - Having failed to rise from your chair and pace round the room in circles, fall asleep in your chair

The tactic of falling asleep in your chair (whether genuinely, or faked in an attempt to coax your computer into life) is also a good choice when we reach this stage in the contest (usually the 2 hour-mark). Research has shown that in such cases a computer will mysteriously return to perfect working order just as the operator dozes off. Accordingly, this choice usually results in an end to the confrontation, although by the time the operator wakes up he/she might find themselves decorated with saliva and/or the subject of attention from any aforementioned colleagues who may be present/pointing and giggling.

4 - Having stayed awake, rise from your chair and head to the office water cooler to socialise/calm down

Again, the operator can do much worse than employ this tactic. Anyone reaching this point can begin to feel quietly confident by now that they may indeed emerge victorious at the end of the contest. However, care should be taken not to lower our defences too much, as there is still much work and suffering to be undertaken if we are to achieve our goal. Having a "water cooler moment" has several benefits to the operator at this stage. If we can successfully portray an image of calm and composure (only to be attempted by the most experienced operator) it affords us an excellent opportunity to mingle with various coveted colleagues of the opposite sex. It is optional at this stage whether we should discuss our current difficulties with such acquaintances; if we display too much bravado or offer any hint of impending mental collapse our efforts may actually become counter-productive. If we can't successfully portray an image of calm and composure, at the very least we may be temporarily distracted from a) random mouse-clicking, b) crying, and c) any disastrous course of action as described in Options 3 and 2 below. Furthermore, if indeed no-one shows up for us to talk to, we have at least reaped the benefits offered by pacing round the room in circles as in Option 6 above.

3 - Having risen from your chair and failed to stop at the office water cooler to socialise/calm down, continue walking until outside the building

If we find ourselves opting for this tactic at such a crucial stage, the odds are we may be heading towards an emphatic defeat. This is a pivotal point in the confrontation with our still-frozen computer, and we must summon all our mental strength and courage if we are to avoid such a humiliating defeat. A common reaction to reaching the fresh air of the external world is to question our reasons to be battling with a collection of wires in the first place, as well as, having decided not to return to the office that day after all, questioning any attractive passers-by if they would like to go for a drink. Either of these actions would prove fatal, as in each case our computer is guaranteed to miraculously un-freeze at the precise moment we decide not to return. Again, the more experienced computer operator may choose to deceive his/her computer by leaving the building in an attempt to lull their machine into a false sense of victory, only to surprisingly return moments later (sometimes through an open window). As in Option 4 above, this should only be attempted by the most experienced users, as the slightest hesitation can prove our undoing.

2 - Having failed to stop at the office water cooler to socialise/calm down and continued walking until outside the building, suffer some kind of breakdown and/or continue walking blindly in any direction until assuming a new identity

Obviously, if we reach this point, we have lost. This, however, is a moot point in itself. Anyone opting for this last-hurrah tactic could rightly argue that they no longer care whether their computer has won or lost, mainly owing to the fact that they may currently be roller-skating naked through the park wearing a pair of swimming goggles. The alternative choice of walking blindly in any direction until assuming a new identity is an equally effective get-out clause from the whole sorry incident but also one that should be utilised only in the case of extreme meltdown. Again, a moral victory may be claimed in such cases, as there is a high likelihood that the operator by this point will have become a born-again technophobe and therefore destined to experience the freedom secured by a future communicating via pen and paper and two baked bean cans joined together by a piece of string.

1 - Having ignored all of the above available options, sit and wait till your computer finally does something

This final option is the action of the broken operator and should be utilised only in the event of a) being illiterate and therefore unable to read the above available options, and b) being unable to locate a large hammer. If either or both of these happen to be the case, simply sit and wait till your computer finally does something. If and when it does, firstly pinch yourself firmly to ensure you are not dreaming having already chosen Option 5 above. If it is still doing something, either switch off immediately and go and do something else, or continue using as normal until it freezes again. If opting for the latter, see Option 10 above, or simply curl up in a ball on the floor and wail uncontrollably until someone wearing a white coat comes to take you away.

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Next week: More expert advice from Nigel St. Faversham as he tackles the disturbing subject of identity fraud in "10 Things to Do if Your Hard Drive is Taken Away in a Freezer Bag and You Are Arrested For Opium Trafficking."

Not to be missed...

© Matthew Jenkins, June 2012.

mattofjenko@yahoo.co.uk

Friends Like These

As a zombified patron of the social networking phenomenon, it is hard not to notice certain recurring themes throughout this endless correspondence we rate on a par with oxygen as essential to human existence. It is a well documented fact that few of us can now even go to the toilet without feeling the need to submit a lengthy report of the event to countless friends, girlfriends and mostly forgotten colleagues from some office we may have frequented 20 years ago. Most of us, of course, trawl the social networking sites in search of anything sufficiently amusing to distract us from the reality of our own mundane existence. As we escape into a world of wit, wisdom and shared holiday photos, life becomes that bit more bearable nestled amidst the occasionally inspirational offerings of our circle of similarly attention-bent acquaintances. However, those more astute attention seekers amongst us are in the process required to sift through a perpetual stream of decidedly uninspiring “Status” posts in order to reach such hidden gems.


But are these banal statements to be dismissed so quickly? Here, in an excerpt from his new book, “Social Networking and the Subconscious,” Dr Leonard Hirschbaum examines the use of the Facebook status as a vehicle for profound insight in the modern world. Viewed by many academics as a cornerstone for the future of psychiatry, his groundbreaking work questions the validity of the inane Facebook status as a symbol of mental vacuity, suggesting instead it may actually be indicative of a deeply perceptive mind. 


The following passages contain Hirschbaum’s interpretation of some typical correspondence between several Facebook “friends.” These friends were selected at random from a group of socially promiscuous young adults recently observed at the Mount Sedorf Institute for the Slightly Simple.


Case Study 1: Housework as an expression of hostility and repressed desire


Dawn Hughes: “Dishes washed, dried and put away, washing machine on, time for the soaps...”
Becci McAndrew likes this.
Becci McAndrew: “You need a dishwasher. Lol.”
Dawn Hughes: “Lol. I wish... a fireman would be nice”
Becci McAndrew: “Ooh yes, that hose would be handy...”
Clare Dawson likes this.
Clare Dawson: “Lol! Just settling down for the soaps too – my bathroom and toilet are now gleaming... Bliss!”


Dr Hirschbaum’s Interpretation:


Here we have a typical exchange between like-minded people who see their relaxation time watching television as divine reward for their efforts performing routine household chores. In the first statement, Dawn Hughes claims to have not only washed her dishes, but also to have dried them and “put [them] away.” This can be seen not only as representative of a need for extreme order, but also as an aggressive statement towards any inactive partner present (or not present) who may have been expected to assist in the ritual. Becci McAndrew’s bitingly sarcastic response, suggesting that the use of a dishwasher may go some way to ease the burden of dishwashing, is clearly an attempt (for presumably personal reasons) to “fan the flames” of a situation that is evidently already getting out of hand. This loss of control is perfectly illustrated by Dawn Hughes in her subsequent statement in which she wishes for a Fireman to arrive at her home to assist in domestic matters. The significance of her choice in a “Fireman” should of course not be overlooked, with its Freudian implications regarding fire hoses (hinted at in Becci McAndrew’s response: “Ooh yes, that hose would be handy...”), and also the scaling of tall buildings with said fire hose in tow. Further, her hostility towards a presumably underperforming spouse is only thinly veiled in the comment “a fireman would be nice.” This inability to repress inner fantasy together with the aforementioned symbolism  of “putting” her “dry” dishes “away” clearly suggests a pressing need to resolve her marital issues sooner rather than later if a potentially messy break-up is to be avoided. On a final note, much significance can be gleaned from Clare Dawson’s closing declaration that her “bathroom and toilet are now gleaming.” This jump in subject matter from “Fireman” to “Toilet” speaks volumes of a personality desperate to unlock subconscious desires and eventually “flush away” associated feelings of remorse and guilt. To use the word “bliss” in the same sentence as a “gleaming” toilet also suggests an underlying need to be seen as attractive by the opposite sex. If this desire is fulfilled, the patient subsequently projects the so-called blissful state onto the concept of sitting in front of a television set to watch soap operas.


NB. In the above exchange, the commonly used abbreviation “L.O.L.” is utilised several times to express amusement at some previous comment. This particular phenomenon will be analysed separately in a later chapter, entitled, “LOL: Is it the New “Absolutely?””


Case Study 2: Toenail clippings and their relationship with the Super Ego


Gaz Patterson: “Just cut me toenails.”
Stevie Simmons: “Hey! Just cut mine too. In front of the footy.”
Gaz Patterson likes this.
Gaz Patterson: “Lol. Cheryl gone nuts, may have blinded the dog actually...”
Cheryl Patterson: “He did nearly blind the dog, told him to use the sodding scissors instead of clippers.”
Stevie Simmons likes this.
Stevie Simmons: “I’m also a clipper man.”
Gaz Patterson: “Can’t beat the feeling. I file too...”
Stevie Simmons: “Lol. I should file – caught wife’s leg in bed once with rough nail, wot a mess.”


Dr Hirschbaum’s Interpretation:


In this revealing exchange, Gaz Patterson sets the tone for the following posts with his startlingly frank opening gambit, “Just cut me toenails.” His use of the word “me” to refer to himself, as opposed to the grammatically correct “my” is of course highly significant and should perhaps be analysed. Although consciously used to project an image of street credibility, the underlying subconscious motivation here is clear: a chance to draw attention to oneself from oneself (by thinking, typing and seeing the word “me”), as well of course as drawing attention from oneself to oneself (by thinking, typing and seeing the word “me,” but misreading it as “you.”) Finding himself (as well as his “self”) the subject of attention from his own self (himself), Gaz here is also reaching out to his readership in the hope of gaining sufficient attention to sate a narcissistic drive for perfection in the eyes of others both within himself, his self, and also that (or those) of any others who may still be following the text. Stevie Simmons’ response, claiming not only to have also cut his toenails, but actually in front of a football match (for reasons of simplicity we must assume that this match was on television rather than on a football pitch in front of him) can be seen as a clear attempt to outperform his friend. The fact that Gaz Patterson then goes on to “like” this post suggests his Super Ego is shifting up a gear, as he grapples with the associated guilt of his previous post and its unashamed declaration of self-obsession. His subsequent distraction technique involving his wife and a dog apparently struck by an airborne toenail clipping confirms this regression, while his wife herself (who it should be noted fails to cut her toenails throughout) compounds his feelings of regret with her use of the word “sodding” to describe an absent pair of nail scissors. Stevie Simmons, whose own rampant Super Ego has clearly depicted himself (whether to his “self” also is not clear) in possession of the moral high ground, then goes for the jugular by declaring himself  ”also” to be a “clipper man.” This mockery of his now-dethroned acquaintance speaks volumes, particularly when compared to Gaz Patterson’s “last chance saloon” parting shot claiming that he also files his toenails once they have been clipped. Finally, there follows in the closing post of the exchange irrefutable proof of the complexity of the psyche: Our formerly all-conquering Stevie Simmons suddenly morally implodes by calmly admitting his utter failure to file his freshly cut toenails, even going on to describe the macabre one-time consequences of this perceived misdemeanour. And so, the clear victor in this exchange eventually turns out to be the collective Super Ego itself (or “of” itself, or themselves), although of course we can assume the dog too finally came through with unimpeded vision.


Case Study 3: Astro-physics as a social vehicle for the near-subnormal


Prof. J.D. Bergman: “Whether we are searching the cosmos or probing the subatomic realm, our most successful theories lead to the inescapable conclusion that our universe is just a speck in a vast sea of nothingness.”
Dr Isaac Rosenthal: “Surely though, recent progress in string theory, cosmology and quantum mechanics has brought about a change of heart, has it not?”
Prof. J.D. Bergman likes this.
Prof. J. D. Bergman: “Yes, but the multiverse is not some kind of optional thing, it’s there and we need to deal with it.”
Dr Isaac Rosenthal: “I agree. One of the things that keeps me awake at night is the need to explain why the physical laws underlying our universe seem so finely tuned as to allow galaxies, stars, planets, complex chemistry and life itself to exist?”
Prof. J.D. Bergman: “Yes, but rather than put it down to God or blind luck, I would suggest that our existence sets parameters that can be proven to explain how our universe was in fact plucked from the infinity of the multiverse.”
Dr Isaac Rosenthal likes this.


Dr Hirschbaum’s Interpretation:


The above correspondence can be seen as representative of the desensitisation of critical thought so commonly seen in social networking. The subject matter discussed, namely the possible explanation of existence, belies a profound lack of stimulation and cultural awareness in the lives of the two friends involved. When stripped of their superficial banter, it is clear that these two friends have very little meaningful to say to each other, probably as a result of  over-exposure to common social distractions, such as mobile networking and reality television. Prof. Bergman’s hackneyed opening remark, suggesting we exist within a “speck” amongst “nothingness” undoubtedly portrays a cynical personality likely to be burdened with the daily pressures of the very existence he supposedly attempts to analyse. This theory is further endorsed in his following statement, where he utilises the symbolism of the multiverse to represent his apparently sizeable personal problems, which he finally acknowledges he must “deal with.” Dr Rosenthal, on the other hand, at least attempts to paint a more positive outlook, though having been spoon-fed from the pulp of prime time TV and the glossy world of celebrity he probably wouldn’t be in a position to explain why. His reliance on his friend for any kind of conversational impetus is highlighted by his use of the term “...has it not?” and can be seen as confirmation of our previous assumption that he may well read a “red-top” daily newspaper. Indeed, in his second post, Dr Rosenthal describes his interrupted sleep patterns. This is a common observation amongst the more active social networkers in our study, who often stay up all night whilst networking on several platforms simultaneously. “Catch-up” TV during the following day (often entirely spent in with the curtains closed) provides the opportunity to keep up to date with popular entertainment, while those who are actually employed in some kind of work may be tempted to “pull a sicky.” In his closing post, Prof. Bergman (undoubtedly an Alpha Male) confirms his dominance over his more optimistic though intellectually inferior friend by suggesting his own personal theory relating to the origins of existence. This pseudo-intellectual pomposity can easily be discarded however, when we take into account Prof. Bergman’s already alluded-to personal problems and their inevitable effect on his mental stability. His use of the phrase “the infinity of the multiverse” is a worrying choice of words in this case and would probably indicate an acute state of depression and the need for close psychiatric observation. Finally, as Dr Rosenthal opts simply to “like” Prof. Bergman’s closing offering, we are granted indisputable proof of Dr Rosenthal's profound lack of depth and his inability to partake even in the lowest forms of conversation.

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Dr Hirschbaum’s book, “Social Networking and the Subconscious” is available from 1st June from some good bookstores. Reserve your copy... well, some time, anyway...


©Matthew Jenkins, May 2012.